When Judgment is Just Energy: Rethinking Competition Between Women

What if the judgments we feel are actually clues about what we’re ready to heal or receive?

We’ve all felt it—that weird energetic tension that can happen between women. It often shows up as judgment, subtle exclusion, or comparison. For many, it's seen as a negative experience. But what if, sometimes, this "competition" is actually a signal of something deeper?

I’ve been sitting with this idea: that competition among women, as uncomfortable as it can be, is sometimes a way of seeking validation. It's not always about malice or pettiness. Sometimes, when one woman sees another shining—wearing something bold, expressing herself freely, creating, loving, forgiving—it stirs up energy. On the surface, it can look and feel like judgment. But underneath, it might be about noticing where someone else is having or being something you don’t yet feel free to claim for yourself.

Often we’re not even conscious of the desire beneath the judgment. It can be subtle: “I’d never wear that,” “She’s too much,” “That’s not very humble of her.” But what if what’s really happening is that there’s a part of us that wants to wear the thing, be that free, feel that confident—but bumps up against an energy block when we try to get there?

I’ll share a recent example.

I was at an event, wearing a fitted striped dress. I felt beautiful and confident—fully in my body and energy. I noticed two women nearby glancing at me and whispering to each other. At first, I didn’t think much of it. But after ten minutes or so, I decided to say hello.

They got a little awkward, which told me they weren’t planning on including me in the conversation—just talking about me. I wasn’t bothered, I was actually pretty neutral. But then one of them said, “You must be very brave to dress that way.”

My first thought was, What the fuck? But I used the tools I teach—I cleared the judgment from my space quickly and responded with curiosity. “What makes you use the word brave?” I asked.

She looked shocked by the question. She paused, went silent for a moment, and then admitted she hadn’t really thought about it before. Then something opened up.

She told me she comes from a very conservative religious background. Growing up, she never had permission to wear what she wanted. Even now, though she’s no longer part of that community and lives in a completely different country with her own family, she still feels scared to break those old rules. They’re deeply ingrained. Wearing something fitted or expressive still feels like stepping outside invisible lines.

And there we were—two women, strangers a moment ago—now standing in a soft, honest moment of truth. The energy shifted. She was beginning to process something that had been sitting in her space for a long time. I felt deeply honored to stand beside her in that moment. Just for a minute, I got to witness a little loosening of that energy, a breath of possibility.

Because the truth is, if she worked with that energy, she might discover her own version of feeling beautiful and free in what she wears. Not necessarily in the same dress, but in her own way.

And this goes far beyond clothing.

Women judge each other on how we create, how we mother, how we forgive, how we set boundaries, how we love, how we speak up or stay quiet—it’s everywhere. But what would happen if, instead of going into judgment, we got curious? What if judgment is really just a flare-up of blocked energy—highlighting something we’ve been disconnected from in ourselves?

When we choose curiosity over judgment, we open the door to relationship, to growth, to healing. We start to unhook from the game of comparison and step into connection.

The truth is, women move an immense amount of energy. (Not to say men don’t—but it’s often different for women.) So if you’ve ever found yourself tangled up in judgment, I invite you to pause and ask:

Is this showing me where I might be stuck?

Because sometimes, the woman you’re judging is holding the key to something you’ve been wanting to unlock in yourself.

What comes up for you when you read this?
Have you ever noticed judgment arising and realized it was tied to your own energy block? I’d love to hear what this stirs in you. Feel free to share in the comments or reach out privately—this conversation is one worth having.